There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
