Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
