Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
