Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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