god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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