I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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