Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Michael Bay diarrhea
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
