apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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