Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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