yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
