You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
