The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
