the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's shark week go big or go home
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
