I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
