Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize