Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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