I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can text with my tongue
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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