why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
