I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
