i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
