Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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