People in love make me want to vomit
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
