Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
