Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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