My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
pray to the hookup gods
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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