I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
