if you like me you must not know who I am
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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