When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
