The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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