It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
