We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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