I wish life had little blips of pornography
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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