proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
