We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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