For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
