so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
