Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she peed on how many people?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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