But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
