how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
