So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
