glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
