Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
