i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
