Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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