Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
