Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
