I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Brb crying the tears of my youth
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
