Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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