I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You have to summon your inner elephant
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
