I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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