Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
