I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
