im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
