dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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