the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
