i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
