Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
