There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
