i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think we might need a safe word for this...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
